DavePrague – How come Jesus is the only zombie we’re not afraid of

TheKillerShrew – OMG! Yet another thing you can do with grass!!! #RiffTrax http://twitpic.com/2gh7mr

emilyjester – So, you know my awesome Grandma? On FB She just became a fan of “Dear Lord, please give me the strength to not slap an idiot today…Amen.”

sucittaM – Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.

trentovna so i heard LOST ending sucked… http://twitpic.com/1r7dns

slcMI - Have you ever wondered if that dollar bill stuffed in your purse was in a stripper’s a*s crack? I bet you’re wondering now.

@mk_rubi - Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.

shadowedghost – Owl City is the musical equivalent of a valium overdose. FACT

christinaesmith – At the doctor for a check-up. Technically I am hooking up with my legal drug dealer.

RicKyAlbarn – I have pictures of fat women taped on my fridge to keep me from overeating. I’ve also taped a headshot of Lindsay Lohan to my drug dealer.

thejoelstein – When Fox cancels 24, the terrorists win.

richardllawson – Cat urine glows under a black light.

OMFGLOLRT - I really think that adding a low-dosage birth control substance to scratch n’ win lottery cards would solve a lot of problems.

moleywillows I need a gaydar app for my phone. no ricky no.

joyhaeyung – I just don’t think a career in colonic hydrotherapy is for me. But I do need to meet more interesting bacteria.

AlexfromtheSTP – Today I will either go to the gym, drink a protien shake, and read. Or I will go to the liquor store, buy beer, and jerk off…two guesses

savieedee – omg cannot stop crying. f**k you bulk barn!

shamrox – It smells like meth outside.

sucittaM – I dedicate this day to Nickelback, in honor of sham-rock.

Tarpo – Ahhh St Patricks Day.. Its like Valentines day for drunks.