Neil_red – Me dad asked what colour I wanted my room to be painted. I says I wanted it to be the colour of Lee cattermoles foreskin.

jonathanwil – @StephaniePelley such a great arm workout! and my hands haven’t been this worn out since….eep. tmi.

Unmeditated – God damn my crotch is super itchy

amdogg86 - Some people look soo good first thing in the morning esp old people…#tmi #dontjudgeme

TRUTHandEGO – If you notice and mention that your girl bought a new bathroom mat…you will get laid.Women arent that complicated…

brianbge – Dear Sir, we regret to inform you that screwfix.com is not an online dating service.

TorridAura – I asked my son what I should bring him for lunch today, he says “No American food please, bring something Exotic”. I have created a MONSTER!

KStoski - Hey, anyone know where I can find a Justin Bieber blow-up doll in time for mother’s day???

madkarma – I got some good a*s hair after I fresh cut #ImJustSaying

DeadbyBon @jaycebeasley the only regret in my life is not ever being able to pick a flag out of a giant nose and have slime go everywhere!!

Ab_Finomenon – princess jasmine is a sexy a*s cartoon character #aladdin #imjustsayin

Danrickmers - 4/20 is almost over and I’ve yet to walk by a single person celebrating! No one throws a good Hitler party anymore..

matthewjmcbride – The best part of last night was meeting a drunk guy at White Castle and he asked if i was a wrestler.

heyyodirty – And I just go news that something happened on my garage last night that’s too graphic for twitter. Holy s**t! Abes the man!

datumdred – Wow. Fell asleep on my couch last night. Just realized that when you sleep on the couch you inhale old farts the whole time. Gross.

kholl – @traciwei has decided to turn snack-Nazi. Robbing me of my lunchtime Munchos is super-lame.

banjoel – Oh f**k! First time on the freeway with this car. I hope I don’t die…

thekittenfiend – I broke my butt.

Cherifly – PLUS why is everyone happy about #stpatricksday . Hardly any of you are Irish. f**k off. I’m not Irish therefore do not celebrate it.

BiebsThieves @justinbieber haha woooah there tmi lol. And how epic was it that I tweeted you and then you came online, awesome haha. Follow me please?!